The nature of Grief

LECTURE 1
Rev Prof Hansie Wolmarans

Lecture 1
In our overview of the subject of grief and all its facets we are going to:

·       supply a definition of grief;

·       talk about the foundation and function of grieving;

·       review the causes of grief;

·       survey the goals of the work of grieving; and

·       discuss the personal ministry of grieving.

Definition of Grief

Grief can be defined as a mental suffering or distress caused by some form of significant loss or bereavement in the past, or in anticipation of a loss which is expected in the future. It differs from mourning in that grief is a personal and mental, whilst mourning is the sharing of our grief with others—the public face of our internal grief. Although the word grief is a noun, it expresses an internal verb-like process: “I grieve about something/someone because…” It is therefore not possible to talk about grief separate from the object of the grief, as well as the reason for the process. A person, for example, may grieve about the loss of a limb, because it affects that person’s self-image in a negative way. Because it is an internal process, grief cannot be observed directly, but only as to its symptoms or signs.

Foundation and Function of Grief

Grief is embedded in the human psyche. The basic, archetypal experience of grief occurs when a baby is born. It loses the comfort and security of its mother’s womb (significant loss). The baby cries (symptom) in an attempt to restore the loss (why the baby grieves). When a baby is born, it is utterly selfish and not able to think how its behaviour affects others.

           

     An interesting psychological experiment was conducted for the first time in 1985. Children were shown two containers, A and B. A boy called Maxi, puts a chocolate bar in container A. He goes out and his mother comes in. She removes the chocolate bar and puts it in container B. Maxi does not know about it.

The children are then asked where Maxi would look for the chocolate bar when he returns. Of course, the correct answer is, container A, where he put it in the first place. Children around three years of age, give the wrong answer. They say Maxi would look for it in container B, where they know it is. Four year old children are able to give the correct answer. They are able to place themselves in the shoes of others. It seems that autistic children never develop the ability to think from the perspective of another person; they are locked up in their own worlds. It is the experience of loss and reconnection that helps a child to place themselves in the shoes of others, that is, to develop a theory of mind, to form an idea of what other people are thinking.

       The function of a baby’s grief is to successfully transition from a foetus to a baby with external help and to become more independent of its mother.

        Grieving is therefore a natural process and part of the process of becoming fully human. It is a basic part of life and its cycles. We continuously lose something in order to gain something; it is an ongoing process of attachment and separation. The Bible expresses the same idea with the image of rebirth. In Romans 6:4, for example, Paul states:

“We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.”

Jesus similarly says in John 3:3:

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.”

The image of the rebirth is not meant as a once off event; it is cyclical and continuing. If renewal is not successful, we become mentally stuck and immobilised. A woman’s husband left her for his young secretary. After three years, she still had trouble sleeping, cried easily and often, and had not yet instituted divorce proceedings.

She became a prisoner of the past. It was only after she accepted her loss and decided to continue with her life as a single woman, that she was able to progress and be healed.

The Causes of Grief

Grief is caused by various types of loss, which may be classified into different categories:

·       Material—the loss of an object to which one grew attached, like a teddy bear, a house, or the familiar space of one’s childhood years.

·       Time—transitioning from one phase of life to another, for example leaving the parental home, coming off age, or retiring.

·       Relationship—the death of a loved one, breaking up with someone, or divorce.

·       Role—a demotion at work or retirement may lead to feelings of intense loss.

·       Self-image—major surgery, resulting for example in the loss of a limb, or facial reconstruction, may result in a significant change of self-image; similarly the loss of bodily functions and the inability to do things for oneself.

The Symptoms of Grief
Grief manifests itself in one or more or all of the following symptoms:

·       Physical—difficulty in sleeping; a continuous feeling of fatigue; nausea; aches & pains.

·       Emotional—numbness; crying; guilt; anger; loss of a sense of self; no self-confidence; irritability; fear; anxiety.

·       Cognitive—slowed thinking, erratic decision making; confusion, flashbacks / daydreams; talking to the deceased or loved one.

·       Spiritual—anger at God; alienation from one’s supporting religious community.

·       Social—isolation/withdrawal; self-preoccupation.

The Goals of Grieving

For grieving to be successful, the following conditions have to be met:

• ·       The reality of the loss has to be accepted.
• ·       The emotions associated with the loss have to be expressed, and one has to come to terms with them.
• ·       A new relationship has to be established with that which had been lost. If a loved one dies, one has to let go, without forgetting that person. It is healing to store honest, realistic and balanced memories of the loved one where they can be retrieved from time to time. If the loss is through divorce, or a break-up of a relationship, it is helpful to remember the good times, and to take the positive aspects of the failed relationship into the future. Much is always learned from relationships and one has to internalise these lessons as well in order to not make the same mistakes in future relationships.

·       One has to reinvent one’s own identity independent of that which was lost. (Who am I without this person, place or object? How has my life changed? Who am I alone, by myself? What are my short and long term goals for life? What new roles do I have to assume?

·       One has to reinvest in life with a renewed sense of purpose and direction and deliberately and purposefully make new attachments.

·       Often overlooked is the adaptation of one’s belief-system or spirituality. A person may have lived according to the belief that an active religious life or going to church, praying and doing good would prevent, for example, ugliness like the loss of a child. When it happens, it is necessary to re-examine these presuppositions about religion. A possible outcome may be that God gives us the ability to accept undeserved evil and renegotiate our future.

The Personal Ministry of Grieving

Friends, family, as well as care givers are able to help a person to work through his/her loss. Human contact is one of the most effective medicines for a broken soul. This assistance can be some or other form of intervention, or a more quiet form of support.

·       Intervention—takes over routine tasks for the bereaved, for example by providing food (the casserole brigade); by taking telephone calls; through advocacy, like sober advice in the choice of a coffin, or referring a person to a trustworthy financial adviser. Be careful not to create dependency. We want bereaved persons to become independent. Just like a toddler’s Teddy is a transitional object to assist him/her to become emotionally independent, we have a similar function.

·       Support—

o   Be a listening presence. In Jewish culture the ritual of the Sitting Shiva supplies comfort to the bereaved. Family members help the bereaved to cry and mourn.

o   Allow honest expression of emotions (even anger at the deceased or at God). Do not judge that person but be optimally quiet.

o   Watch out for premature comfort.

o   Assist in creating a cherishable and realistic memory. Allow the bereaved to share good and bad memories.

o   Do follow-up visits and reintegrate the bereaved person into some or other group activity.

·       Caveats—refrain from cheap comforts and easy answers to the question of “Why did it happen?” When a child dies, one often hears people say, “The gardener plucks the most beautiful flower.” I find this comfort inane and cannot imagine that it would provide true comfort to a mother or father or brother or sister. “All things work for the best!” is another platitude which, I think, does more harm than good. After a student was killed during an initiation ceremony, some of his Christian friends argued that it worked out for the good, because it turned people to God. Does God really have to kill someone to turn others to God-self? “We will see each other again in heaven one day.” From what we know of heaven, it seems that it is most definitely not a continuation of earthly familial relationships. Jesus said in Mark 12:25 that when the dead rise they will neither marry nor be given in marriage. We have to make sense of loss in the here and now.

·       Group session—It has been proven to be very positive if persons who suffered some or other loss can sit together in a group and do the following:

o   Tell the group about the loss one suffered.

o   Discuss the symptoms of grief one experienced.

o   Review how one reinvented oneself.

o   Talk about the ways in which people helped or hindered one in coming to terms with one’s loss.

Next week our subject is:  “All our Griefs and Losses.”

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