LECTURE 7
Hansie Wolmarans
Introduction
A little girl came home after she had visited a friend. When her mother asked her what they did, she replied that her friend had a favourite doll, and the doll’s head had broken off. Her friend asked her to help fix it. Sceptical, her mother asked, how on earth she would have been able to fix a broken doll. In all innocence the girl answered that she couldn’t fix the doll, but that she sat with her friend and helped her to cry.
The public ministry to those who grieve is nothing but assisting people to cry. Religious communities cannot fix the loss, cannot return the loved one to life, cannot rewrite the past and restore the good old days. However, we can supply an opportunity for people to express their grief.
When individuals or communities experience loss, we grieve. The grieving process arouses many powerful emotions and feelings. These cause a loss of functionality—we become like an engine running on three cylinders instead of four. The public ministry to the grieving is part of the process to restore individuals and communities to full and even better functionality.
In discussing this particular aspect of the grieving process, I am going to:
• demonstrate that the way in which people express their grief is culturally conditioned;
• give examples of the kinds of loss where a public ministry (for example a service of worship) may be helpful in the process of the healing or restoration of individuals and communities.
• explore the emotions involved;
• explain why a public ministry may be meaningful and helpful;
• define the target audience of the ministry, that is, for whose benefit the ministry is; and
• survey how such ministries may be constructed to be optimally beneficial.
The Expression of Grief is Culturally Conditioned
Living in a country where so many cultures are intertwined, it is good to remind ourselves that the ways in which people express their grief is culturally conditioned. In Biblical times people would tear their clothes and dress in sackcloth (Genesis 37:29, 34), have ashes or dust sprinkled on their person (2 Samuel 13:19), have hear shaved off (Leviticus 10:6), even cut or beat their bodies (Jeremiah 16:6, 7; 31:19), hire professional mourners (Matthew 9:23) or fast (2 Samuel 1:12).
The Greek dramatist, Euripides, who lived in the fifth century BCE, describes grieving processes in his play, Alcestis. The king, Admetus, says after the funeral of his wife (Alcestis) the following (lines 895-900):
“Oh, how great is the pain and grief for loved ones who lie beneath the earth! Why did you keep me from throwing myself into the open grave and lying there dead with her, the best of women? Hades [the underworld] would have had two most faithful souls instead of one, crossing the nether lake together.”
Attempting to throw oneself into a grave and held in check by family or friends even happen today. Therefore, sensitivity to different cultural expressions of grief is always recommended.
Types of Loss or Gain
Any significant transition of life has elements of both loss and gain. The emotion of joy is mainly associated with the aspect of gain. The feeling of sorrow is largely connected with the factor of loss. Depending on the type of transition, one or the other dominates. The line below expresses it graphically:
Joy———————————————————————————————Grief
Birth Retirement
Commencement Divorce
Wedding Loss of Functionality
Disasters (natural/economic etc)
Death
Joy predominates on transitional events on the left hand side (birth, commencement, and wedding); the retirement party has elements of joy and grief probably in equal proportions; in transitions on the right hand sides, grief prevails.
When we take a closer look at these transitions, we come to understand that more emotions and feelings than simply joy and grief are involved.
The birth of a baby celebrated in the public ministry of baptism, has predominantly a joyful element: the arrival of a new individual in a family and society. However, we also hear of post-partum depression, a feeling of loss having given birth to the baby. Parents also have to come to terms with the relative loss of their freedom in taking care of the baby. So, feelings of joy and sadness are involved. Parents may also feel uncertain about their capabilities in raising a child.
Rituals of commencement, like graduating from school or university has a strong element of joy. There are also feelings of sadness and uncertainty involved, because friends are inevitably left behind and a new, unsure, future lies over the horizon.
What is a wedding but a celebration of love and newfound unity, and hope! Yet we always find tears at a wedding for some loss is involved, for example the fear of losing a loved one to a new family.
The retirement party is also an occasion usually associated with some form of public ministry. Feelings of not being useful anymore and of joy, being able to do what you want, need to be dealt with.
Divorce may be accompanied by feelings of sorrow, anger, guilt, failure and shame. Quite a number of experts (e.g. Mitchell & Anderson, p. 141) argue that a public ministry would be extremely helpful in addressing these feelings. One should not underestimate the traumatic effect of divorce on the individuals involved.
The trauma is not only caused by the relationship dynamics, but also by society who still stigmatise divorced people in more ways than one. A woman who went through a divorce once told me she finally picked up the courage to again attend a social function. A female acquaintance approached her and said, “Oh. I didn’t know you got divorced!” She immediately grasped the intended sub-text of this remark, “You’re a slut. Stay away from my husband!”
The loss of functionality might also provide an occasion for public ministry, due to the feelings of loss, despair, anger and abandonment experienced. When a friend of mine lost the use of his legs (due to a severed spinal cord) in a motor car accident in 2001, he asked me to conduct a service in the chapel of the University of Pretoria where we could mourn his loss together with his family, friends and colleagues, and also celebrate a new future. The service was shaped around the theme, “When things will never be the same.”
It commenced as follows:
There are turning points in the life of every person, watersheds, a before and after, where time does not proceed imperceptibly from one moment to the next, but forms a clear break—and then we realise that things will never be the same again. It happens when the road becomes precipitous, the wind turns against us, and the sun sets. In such times we can, we may, and indeed we must lament our distress before God.
The service ended on a positive note with a view to the future, quoting 1 John 3:2, “what we will be has not yet been revealed.”
Natural, economic and human-made disasters inevitably become an opportunity for a public ministry to mediate the emotions of anger, despair and even hate that are aroused.
And finally, the example par excellence of loss, the death of a loved one. The emotions we experience are dependent on the way in which the death occurred, natural or unnatural. When a baby is stillborn, the mother experiences intense emotions of futility, of anger, and of emptiness. The emotions are different when a person dies having reached a ripe old age. In this case we may feel grateful and blessed even though the sadness is there.
Things change when it is a person in the prime of life, or a child. When we come to unnatural causes, a drunk speeding through a red traffic light, crashing into the passenger side of a car into a young girl on her way to a matric farewell party, changing her for all intents and purposes into a vegetable, things change. Feelings of revenge, revolt, intense anger and hate come into play.
Suicide results in many and varied emotions, like guilt, anger, shame, guilt, and despair. Adding to the problems the relatives of the deceased face, is the fact that some churches refuse to have a memorial service in the case of a suicide. The argument is that, by killing oneself, one committed a mortal sin by transgressing the sixth commandment, and, because there is no opportunity for such a person to pray for forgiveness, his or her soul is automatically committed to hell. Fortunately, there are churches that are fully prepared to conduct services in occasions like these.
All these instances then may provide a meaningful opportunity for a public ministry to the grieving in some or other form.
Why is there a need for a public ministry?
Why do we feel the need for a public ministry ion occasions like these? It is a fact attested by many researchers that at times of significant transitions two things happen:
1. People perform rituals.
We draw water crosses on a baby’s forehead;
• we take hands,
• we pat,
• we hug,
• we weep together;
• we eat together,
• we throw petals, or rice, or confetti,
• we cast soil into an open grave,
• we scatter ashes,
• we exchange rings,
• we light candles,
• we maintain silence.
In the act of performing these rites, healing takes place—probably because we symbolise our feelings in some way or other.
2. People designate a person to speak to and on behalf of the grieving.
This person may be a respected friend, or leader in an organisation. S(h)e is expected to say something about the past and also the future, verbalizing the grief or joy experienced by the community.
According to Mitchell & Anderson the function of these two actions, rituals and words, is to manage and negotiate the emotions which we experience due to the gain or loss, by expressing it, but also by repressing it. It is based upon the supposition that the intense feelings or emotions aroused by significant transitions cause us not to function optimally. So we have to manage these feelings, firstly, by expressing it. The public ministry should also function to repress these emotions. We cannot continue with our anger or sadness ad infinitum; life has to go on. Facilitating the expression of feelings, and also their repression, is helpful in the process of healing and restoration to functionality, or even improving on it.
There are many references to this phenomenon in the Bible. Jeremiah 12:5 declares to a community after much suffering: “If you have run with the footmen and they have wearied you, how will you contend on horseback?” The perspective is that trauma may be an occasion for preparing us to be strong against even worst disasters. In Matthew 5:4, Jesus says “Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Finally, in one of the extreme paradoxical passages of the Bible, James declares in 1:2-4:
2My brothers and sisters,* whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, 3because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; 4and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.
Alluding to the analogy of a piece of iron or gold ore that is hammered and heated to hellish temperatures, James teaches that suffering can bring out the steel, the hidden gold in us, by removing our impurities and imperfections.
A public ministry, therefore, can assist in the following:
• muster communal support for the grieving and demonstrate to her that she is not alone;
• help the grieving to accept the inevitability of the loss, things which can never return to the way they were; and
• assist the grieving to look to the future with hope and expectation.
The Target Audience of the Public Ministry
It is nowadays generally accepted that the public ministry is aimed at those who experienced the loss or gain, as well as the community at large to sensitise them to the trauma of its members. This has not always been the case. In New Testament times, people were obsessed with the idea to do something for the deceased: facilitating his/her transition to the underworld, the abode of the dead. In ancient Greece, for example, people were buried with a coin in the mouth to pay Charon, the boatman, to ferry their souls across the Styx River, the mythological boundary of the underworld. In early Christianity, this practice continued, but the coin was replaced with a wafer used in the Eucharist.
In 1 Corinthians 15:29, we read the following interesting information: 29Otherwise, what will those people do who receive baptism on behalf of the dead? We don’t know exactly what this ritual entailed, but probably a relative of a deceased person had him/herself baptised on behalf of the deceased. It was thought that it would confer some benefits on the soul of the dead one, for example the forgiveness of sins.
Catholics believe in purgatory, the condition or process of purification or temporary punishment in which, it is believed, the souls of believers who die are made ready for heaven. Prayers for the dead and the buying of indulgences are regarded as beneficial to assist them going through it. In Judaism, prayers are also said for the dead, for example: “Have mercy upon him; pardon all his transgressions . . . Shelter his soul in the shadow of Thy wings. Make known to him the path of life.”
Protestants in general feel you had your final chances on earth before you die—thereby depriving ministers the opportunity of earning something extra by performing these redeeming rituals!
The Form and Content of Public Ministries to the Grieving
The form a public ministry or worship service may take is normally divided into two categories: a ritual aspect and a verbal aspect, something said and something done. I regard them as two sides of the same coin, that is, meaning expressed in either ritual or words or both. Let us conclude with what is regarded as beneficial and healing in our Protestant tradition, that is, meaningful in restoring the bereaved to full functionality.
In the first place, it seems meaningful to allow and facilitate the honest and sincere expression of grief. People’s tears and sorrow have to be acknowledged. Furthermore, the choice of music, the hymns sung, and the prayers said, or the structured silences, allow us to give expression to our sense of loss or gain.
In some Protestant traditions the expression of grief is repressed emphasising God’s action to lift us out of distress. A couple of years ago I visited a friend who lost his daughter, son in law, as well as two grandchildren in an aeroplane accident. His wife was in bed and when I expressed my condolences, she objected, and said we must be happy, for they are all now in a better place. I experienced this as an unhealthy suppression or even denial of grief.
Secondly we need to openly talk about the facts and acknowledge the loss itself. “My baby died inside of me.” “Our factory closed down; we have no income.” “My son was killed in a botched hijacking. I am angry as hell. I want revenge.” “My husband committed suicide. I feel angry and betrayed—scared even that he will go to hell.”
Thirdly, we need to remember realistically. The beloved one was not perfect. (S)he had imperfections, irritations—things which make us all human.
Fourthly we need to place the irredeemable past in perspective. A suicide, as far as I am concerned, is death as a result of illness (severe depression). Therefore I find it distasteful and hypocritical in the extreme when some ministers refuse to conduct a funeral service in cases like these.
These four aspects of a public ministry are present in the 1981 song of ABBA, called “When all is said and done.” It was written by Benny Anderson (assisted by Bjorn Ulvaeus), after Benny and Frid Lyngstad got divorced. Firstly, their grief is expressed (Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill and later When the summer’s over and the dark clouds hide the sun… as well as It's so strange when you're down and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more ). Secondly, the facts of the divorce are acknowledged “Here's to us one more toast and then we'll pay the bill.” Thirdly, the past togetherness is remembered realistically,
In our lives we have walked some strange and lonely treks
Slightly worn but dignified and not too old for sex
We're still striving for the sky
No taste for humble pie
Thanks for all your generous love and thanks for all the fun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done
Finally, their break-up is put into perspective with new hopes for the future: “Birds of passage, you and me. We fly instinctively. Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done.”
In a religious setting, finally, we need consolation from our faith. This can take various forms. The resurrection is primary. However, it should not be used in an escapist function. In the New Testament, resurrection does not only apply to the deceased, but also to the living. In Romans 6:4 it is expressed by St. Paul as follows:
“Therefore we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.”
When loss is experienced, people often struggle with what theologians call the Theodicy Question. In its simplest form it reads, “If God is loving and all-powerful, why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?” If God is good and almighty, why does God
• allow an eleven year old boy to die of brain cancer?
• allow innocent people to die in a Tsunami?
• allow an honest business to go bankrupt?
Mitchell & Anderson (p. 155) advises that it is not the place of a public service to the grieving to discuss issues of theodicy, as it is too complicated, and grieving people cannot dealt at that stage of the grieving process with issues like these. It seems good advice and will prevent ministers from venturing into this most difficult theological territory with phrases like:
• “The gardener picks the most beautiful rose” (when a child has died).
• “Our loved one is now in a better place” (how do we know, and doesn’t this type of theology foster escapism?)
• “It is not God, but the Devil who caused the incurable disease” (the question still remains, Why did God allow the Devil to kill a good person?).
• “The reason why God let this happen, is to bring us closer together / to enrich our lives / to give our hearts to Jesus” (the question still is, what kind of God needs to arrange the death of a young man to die in a horrible way, just to teach us valuable lessons?)
Often it is enough to console people with the idea that when we die, we return to our origins. It is stated so strikingly in Genesis 3:19, “…you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; you are dust and to dust you shall return.” At a recent funeral, the following words were read according to instructions left the deceased:
“Don’t cry for me. Be happy that I, who came from the dust, returned to my origins. If you have to cry, rather cry for your brother or sister walking down the street beside you. Cherish the little child that holds your hand. When you miss me, listen and speak to each other. Put your arms around someone and give to them what you wanted to give to me.
“Respect the air you breathe, the soil you till, the people you meet. Be sensitive to the lacrimae rerum, the tears of things, but also the joy of things. Carpe diem, seize every opportunity. Accept the hand life has dealt you, but refuse to live as a victim. Take control of you own destiny. Dream your own dreams, make your own mistakes, have no regrets.”
The aim of a Christian ministry to the grieving is that we are all assured of the words of St Paul, in Romans 8:
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? …No. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
The theological framework should be able to manage the emotions involved. Those who have lost confidence in themselves should be assured of God’s love for them, and their very special place in the community. Those who want revenge, should be reminded of the words of Jesus (Matthew 26:52), “…for all who take the sword will perish by the sword.” The words of St. Paul in Romans 12:19 are also relevant, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” For the despairing, Psalm 126:5,6 assures, “Those who sow in tears with reap with joy.”
Finally, the rites performed should carefully support the message. A couple struggled to have a baby (they were both very short of stature; the husband was called by everybody, including his wife, “Shorty.”). Finally the wife carried nearly full-term. However, the baby was still-born. They called me to the hospital and requested that I baptize the dead baby.
The official viewpoint of the church is that baptism is a ritual of entry, not of exit. So, it is not recommended for dead bodies to be baptized. However, in Romans 6:4 and Colossians 2:12, baptism is described in terms of an exit ritual (“buried with Christ”). So I baptised the dead baby in the words of Isaiah 49:1, “The Lord called me from the womb, from the body of my mother he named my name.” It assured the parents of the uniqueness and individuality of their lost baby.
The hospital wanted to dispose of the dead body. The parents wisely decided to have a funeral. It was one of the most moving moments of my life, when the father, Shorty, led the procession carrying a small casket made of white line and placing it in a grave. They later adopted a baby son, and after that she gave birth to a perfectly normal little girl.
Conclusion
We have seen that the way in which we express grief is culturally conditioned. Significant transitions in life, where gain or loss is involved, are associated with strong feelings. To negotiate and manage these feelings and emotions, a public ministry to the grieving has been shown to be extremely helpful in assisting people to regain their functionality. It assists all of us to express our emotions, to acknowledge our loss, to accept the past, and regain hope for the future.
Joni Mitchell lyricked it well in her song, “Both Sides Now,” that, even if we do not have all the answers, we are able to negotiate life’s transitions successfully:
Something’s lost but something’s gained
in living every day.
I’ve looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions i recall.
I really don’t know life at all.
Reference:
Mitchell, K.R. & Anderson, H. 1983. All Our Losses. All Our Griefs. Louisville, Kentucky: Westminster John Knox Press.
Comments are welcome. Details in the right hand column.
